Faith: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manal
by samshair
Summary: Did you lend your manual to the neighbour who never gives anything back?  Is it lost because you took it on vacation and forgot it in a taxi?  Did we accidentally send you the wrong guide?  not likely ! Well, here it is, in all it's instruction-y glory!


I'm back! Just warming back up to the OG+MM format again. I want to finish the Firefly characters soon, but if anyone has a request, drop a comment and share.

And, in case you'd forgotten, I DON'T OWN. Credit to Joss Whedon. The one and only.

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><p>Faith Lehane: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual<p>

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated FAITH unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your psycho Slayer, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: Faith Lehane

Place Of Manufacture: Hellmouth Creations, Boston Division

Height: 5'5"

Weight: Unknown

Your FAITH unit will come with the following accessories:

Two pairs of leather pants

One jean jacket

Two tank tops

One pair of sweatpants

A "really slutty" outfit for parties (optional, order online for an extra $15.99+S&H)

When you first open your FAITH unit, she may attack you. We suggest you have a tranq gun ready.

Programming:

Your FAITH unit is violent, sexy, and can carry out the following functions:

Assassin: As long as you can pay the right price, she doesn't much care who she offs. And, no, a "shiny nickel" won't do it.

Slayer: Well, duh. If you have a demon problem, you can go to your unit about it. It IS her calling, isn't it?

Making Others Jealous: She isn't going to say "no" to dirty dancing with a guy even if it's just to make someone else jealous of you. TIP: If you're a girl, don't bother trying this. Just go with the "assassin" function.

Threat: In the mood for blackmail? Want that parking ticket to "disappear"? Need votes for your presidential campaign? Your FAITH unit is the perfect threat.

Your FAITH unit comes with five different modes:

Cool

Slaying

Angry

Murderous

Sex

In cool mode, your unit will hang around your house, at parties, clubs, or anywhere else she feels like. It's no problem when FAITH is in this mood.

Slaying mode is activated when FAITH sees vampires or other demons and feels like killing them. WARNING: Not listed above is the mode "Hungry and horny". It is recommended you keep your distance during this and slaying mode.

Angry mode is activated if you try to get FAITH to share her feelings. The best way to avoid this mode is to NOT PROVOKE IT. Seriously, people, we're so sick of the complaints we've gotten about injuries after angry mode is activated. Don't be an idiot, idiot.

Murderous mode is only turned on with special purchase of the Bad Girls package, which is only allowed to approved, senior members. Applications to become a senior member can be found on our homepage. Remember, you must own at least three units for a minimum of six months before you are allowed to apply.

Sex mode is activated as soon as FAITH spots a boy she might like to get with. Really, it's pretty easy.

Relations with other units:

BUFFY SUMMERS: Maybe it's because they're both Slayers, or because thye're just so opposide, but they don't get along very well…especially when your unit gets the BUFFY unit voted off the island…err…house.

MAYOR WILKINS III: When the MAYOR and FAITH units meet, you may notice items like PS1s, walkmans and pretty floral dresses turning up in your house. If you're wondering where these out-dated electronics and fashions are coming from, it must mean your unit has teamed up with a MAYOR unit. They'll get along fine, but you might want to keep an eye on them- for the good of everyone.

WESLEY WYNDAM-PRYCE: Suffice to say, you'd be stupid to try to get these units to work together, unless you're completely sure your WESLEY unit has advanced past it's Angel Season 4 stage.

ANGEL: Don't be fooled by any ANGELUS-esque outbursts from your ANGEL unit around FAITH. It's normal. And later, hell, they might even get along okay. Don't be too concerned…

XANDER HARRIS: If the XANDER unit has just broken up with a CORDELIA unit, watch out…there may or may not be kinks.

Cleaning: Do not attempt. She's capable.

Energy: Doesn't really matter…beers occasionally, maybe those onion blossom things from the Bronze…

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My FAITH unit disappeared; all that's left is a BUFFY one.

A: That's FAITH, you numbskull. Have you even WATCHED season 4? If you're so concerned, just hit "CANCEL CURRENT PROGRAM" on your unit's control panel.

Q: The FAITH unit was talking with my SPIKE unit, and now SPIKE is all quiet and weird. FAITH swears she didn't do anything.

A: She didn't do anything. It's more what she said. Get SPIKE some blood and don't let FAITH around him for a while.

Q: FAITH came home all bloodied up. She wouldn't say anything, and now the creepy MAYOR from down the street is hanging around.

A: You signed up for it. She's a murderer. Nothing you can do about it now.

Q: FAITH left the other day and I got a call from the hospital about medical insurance. What's going on?

A: She's in a coma. Get down to the hospital and hold down the RESET and SKIP PROGRAM buttons for ten seconds. It should wake her up. Also, for the record, we don't cover medical expenses.

Q: SHE'S IN PRISON! GET HER OUT OR GIMME MY MONEY BACK!

A: No. We are not responsible for paying bail. Just borrow a WESLEY to break her out.

Warranty: With proper care, your FAITH unit should live until the end of her days, or until she is killed in the line of duty. But if you get sick of her rouge, naked-crocodile-fighting ways, send her back within sixty days for a full refund.


End file.
